My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
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My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.