January has been Januweary
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I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”