me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
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and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Tuesday
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.