There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
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I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Thursday
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Can’t, holding a grudge
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year