People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
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It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30