I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
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Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Holy moly
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.