Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
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A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake