Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sofarrsogud's best tweets

@sofarrsogud : My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

@sofarrsogud: I'M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it 'This Year'.

@sofarrsogud: WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD'VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

@sofarrsogud: Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

@sofarrsogud: The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it's a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

@sofarrsogud: 3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

@sofarrsogud: ME: Yeah, I've heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean 'seen' that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I'm on twitter. I haven't seen a movie in 3 years.

@sofarrsogud: ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

@sofarrsogud: ME: This is false advertising. I've been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

@sofarrsogud: Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face