@sofarrsogud: ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
@sofarrsogud: ‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
@sofarrsogud: WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
@sofarrsogud: 'Sir, what causes a tsunami?'
'What about earthquakes?'
-Me as a teacher
@sofarrsogud: BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
@sofarrsogud: ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
@sofarrsogud: SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
@sofarrsogud: ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.