Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sofarrsogud's best tweets

@sofarrsogud : BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

@sofarrsogud: What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

@sofarrsogud: Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

@sofarrsogud: [Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

@sofarrsogud: ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

@sofarrsogud: ‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

@sofarrsogud: WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

@sofarrsogud: 'Sir, what causes a tsunami?'
- Godzilla
'What about earthquakes?'
- Godzilla
'And hurric..'
- Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

@sofarrsogud: BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

@sofarrsogud: ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!