Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sofarrsogud's best tweets

@sofarrsogud : My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment. This is my time to shine.

@sofarrsogud: CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I'm looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

@sofarrsogud: ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

@sofarrsogud: *makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don't answer my phone as I don't recognise the number

@sofarrsogud: ME: What's the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

@sofarrsogud: BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said 'good bison'. I never saw him agai...oh, ok I see now

@sofarrsogud: ME: Thanks for all you did man. It's because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I'm a veterinarian.

@sofarrsogud: 🎶 It's raining yen. Hallelujah, it's raining yen

- Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

@sofarrsogud: Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she's more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

@sofarrsogud: *Son storms in

'DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you're to stop helping me with my homework'