Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
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She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.