Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
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“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
You are what you delete.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Who says great literature is dead?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah