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if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
he chose this
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.