Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
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*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.