This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
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A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
My typo game is string.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*