Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sonictyrant's best tweets

@sonictyrant : DOCTOR: I’m sorry but You’re not going to live through this fever. ME: oh no AND today is Saturday Doctor: please no Me: say it Doctor: *sighs* You have Saturday night fever. ME: Tell my wife that joke. Also that I love her but first that joke.

@sonictyrant: [Breaking and Entering]

GANG MEMBER: Jimmy the door open

ME: No it isn't, and don't call me Jimmy

@sonictyrant: [my first poker game]

OPPONENT *checks cards, and does jazz hands*

ME: *muttering to myself* once i know your tell you're history buddy

@sonictyrant: GENIE: okay, 3 wishes

ME: i want Sean Connery to recite She sells sea shells-

GENIE: that's two

ME: in the form of a rap

SEAN CONNERY: {clears throat} gimme a shick beat

@sonictyrant: HER: Did you have the birds and the bees talk with the kids ?

ME: *Joyously* yes, they think we should get a sex swing

@sonictyrant: TRAVEL AGENT: thats your flight booked sir, where would you like to be seated ?

ME:*nervously* inside the plane

@sonictyrant: HORSE: *walks up to the bar*

ME [THE BARTENDER] : So, *raises an eyebrow* why the long face ?

HORSE: Oh *removes Nic Cage mask* Sorry

@sonictyrant: ME: [swimming with dolphins]
AQUARIUM ATTENDANT: Security! Yeah, he's back again

@sonictyrant: ME: I've beaten my drug addiction!

FRIEND: that's great!

ME: now I’m addicted to coffee.

FRIEND: thats ok tho, coffee isn’t bad for you.

ME: [cutting up two lines of coffee grounds on a mirror]

FRIEND:

ME: you want some?

@sonictyrant: [Emergency Room]

Me: *dying on table*

Doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not going to *notices my crocs* Time of death 10:05 P.M.