Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sonictyrant's best tweets

@sonictyrant : [first trip on a cruise liner] CAPTAIN: welcome! only rule here is: loose lips sink ships ME: {throws Mick Jagger overboard}

@sonictyrant: Inventor: so a flying balloon

Me: i'm with you

Inventor: big flame over your head

Me: sounds good

Inventor: no steering

Me: excellent

Inventor: *snorting coke* and you're in a wicker basket

Me: i'm in

@sonictyrant: [toon world police department]

Chief of police: describe the explosive device?

Me: its like a bowling ball with a fizzy string

Chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger

@sonictyrant: Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

@sonictyrant: ME (the manager): Lets get your barista name badge sorted. Do you spell Robert with a Q or a Z?

@sonictyrant: DOCTOR: I’m sorry but You’re not going to live through this fever.

ME: oh no AND today is Saturday

Doctor: please no

Me: say it

Doctor: *sighs* You have Saturday night fever.

ME: Tell my wife that joke. Also that I love her but first that joke.

@sonictyrant: [Breaking and Entering]

GANG MEMBER: Jimmy the door open

ME: No it isn't, and don't call me Jimmy

@sonictyrant: [my first poker game]

OPPONENT *checks cards, and does jazz hands*

ME: *muttering to myself* once i know your tell you're history buddy

@sonictyrant: GENIE: okay, 3 wishes

ME: i want Sean Connery to recite She sells sea shells-

GENIE: that's two

ME: in the form of a rap

SEAN CONNERY: {clears throat} gimme a shick beat

@sonictyrant: HER: Did you have the birds and the bees talk with the kids ?

ME: *Joyously* yes, they think we should get a sex swing