@sonictyrant: Me: i should tell you i have a little nervous tick
Her: oh that's okay
Me: Look- *pulling up sleeve* he's so shy he's hiding his face in my arm
@sonictyrant: [Picking up elderly in-laws at the airport]
WIFE: was renting the hearse absolutely necessary?
@sonictyrant: [Gas Station]
CASHIER: okay, 2 slim jims, a bag of skittles, a car air freshener, an Archie comic, and a minion doll, that'll be $17.62
ME: great, do u gift wrap? gotta get these under the tree before the wife wakes up
@sonictyrant: ME, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
SHERIFF: can i help you, son?
ME: has..*sweating profusely* has anybody seen my horse?
@sonictyrant: Girlfriend: so i finally got that brazilian
Me: omg that's hot, lemme see
Girlfriend: *puts arm around handsome muscular dude* this is Eduardo
@sonictyrant: Zookeeper: Sometimes the skunks here are ostracized
Me *imagining a skunk the size of an ostrich* h o l y s h i t
@sonictyrant: Her: 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree
Me: yes, that's right
Her: ok, do u want any ranch or honey mustard?
@sonictyrant: therapist: you keep hearing cartoon rabbits?
me: yeah, i think it's updoc
therapist: ehhhh what's updoc?
me: IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN
@sonictyrant: [pet shop]
Customer: the cat you sold me mauled my other cat.
Me: you mean the african large?
Customer: i think it's a lion.
Me: *points to aquarium* wanna exchange it?
Customer: isn't that a crocodile?
Me: snapping canoe lizard
Customer: i'll take it