Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sonictyrant's best tweets

@sonictyrant : [Emergency Room] Me: *dying on table* Doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not going to *notices my crocs* Time of death 10:05 P.M.

@sonictyrant: [Inn fight]

Drunk guy: you call those sunflowers?!? ‘Tis a pitiful rendering

Van Gogh: *turns to innkeeper* hold my ear

@sonictyrant: Me: [holds up bazooka]

Friend: what’s wrong with you? we’re just duck hunting

[across the field]

Ducks: [setting up grenade launcher]

@sonictyrant: Alexa , did scaramouche ,scaramouche ever do the fandango ?

@sonictyrant: Me: i need some decoration for this cake

Store clerk: Icing?

Me: Yeah and I can beatbox, can we just focus on the cake?

@sonictyrant: Me: [totally dry monotone voice] I’m gonna get my mojo back

Mojo: still no

@sonictyrant: Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?

Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry's

Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont

@sonictyrant: I shouldn't say this aloud but which idiot called it bug spray and not buzz kill

@sonictyrant: "Now that i've completed my teleportation device, the world and its wonders are mine to behold"

*Teleports to the nearest taco bell*