Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sonictyrant's best tweets

@sonictyrant : DATE: So what do you do? ME (a night watchman): I'm a night— DATE: I hope it's something thrilling ME: —shyamalan

@sonictyrant: Me: i should tell you i have a little nervous tick

Her: oh that's okay

Me: Look- *pulling up sleeve* he's so shy he's hiding his face in my arm

@sonictyrant: [Picking up elderly in-laws at the airport]

WIFE: was renting the hearse absolutely necessary?

ME: renting?

@sonictyrant: [Gas Station]

CASHIER: okay, 2 slim jims, a bag of skittles, a car air freshener, an Archie comic, and a minion doll, that'll be $17.62

ME: great, do u gift wrap? gotta get these under the tree before the wife wakes up

@sonictyrant: ME, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

SHERIFF: can i help you, son?

ME: has..*sweating profusely* has anybody seen my horse?

@sonictyrant: Girlfriend: so i finally got that brazilian

Me: omg that's hot, lemme see

Girlfriend: *puts arm around handsome muscular dude* this is Eduardo

@sonictyrant: Zookeeper: Sometimes the skunks here are ostracized

Me *imagining a skunk the size of an ostrich* h o l y s h i t

@sonictyrant: Her: 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree

Me: yes, that's right

Her: ok, do u want any ranch or honey mustard?

@sonictyrant: therapist: you keep hearing cartoon rabbits?
me: yeah, i think it's updoc
therapist: ehhhh what's updoc?

@sonictyrant: [pet shop]

Customer: the cat you sold me mauled my other cat.

Me: you mean the african large?

Customer: i think it's a lion.

Me: *points to aquarium* wanna exchange it?

Customer: isn't that a crocodile?

Me: snapping canoe lizard

Customer: i'll take it