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Page of sonictyrant's best tweets

@sonictyrant : [After sex]

Her: *smoking a cigarette* where are you going?

Me: i told my mom i'd call her

Her: okay

Me: *tapping the wardrobe door* Mom, you can come out now

@sonictyrant: Director: we haven't heard from the fly on the wall documentary crew in days any idea what happened to them?

Me: *slowly pushes rolled up newspaper out of view* no - no i haven't

@sonictyrant: Batman: fighting crime is easy

Robin: *grabs his hand* but fighting our desires isn’t

Batman: not now Robin

@sonictyrant: Girl: i noticed you've been checking out this body all night

Me: hell yeah

Girl:*slow winks* wanna help me bury it?

@sonictyrant: Me:*carefully puts on my helmet and adds a bell and basket to my bike*

Spin Class Instructor: no

@sonictyrant: Me: *calls waiter over* You've given my girlfriend 2 dead rats on a skewer

Waiter: Yes the ratatouille, anything else sir?

Me: lets cancel that coq- au- vin

@sonictyrant: Friend: a Viking burial would be awesome some day

[A few days later]

Me:*fires a flaming arrow into his kayak while he's white water rafting*

@sonictyrant: Girlfriend: i just got stung by that wasp can u put a bandaid on it

Me: babe im sure he's gonna be fine

@sonictyrant: Christopher Walken except when Christopher Runnen

@sonictyrant: Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*

Store Assistant: can i help you sir?

Me: how much for this disco poncho?