The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
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If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.