Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
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Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Lucky old June.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.