Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
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*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
“No way.” -Jose
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC