UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
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Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*