The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
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BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
#Caturday
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.