me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
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I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.