*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
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What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Oh boy, $150,000!
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
this is 10/10 content no notes
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information