I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
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The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too