It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
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“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?