Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
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Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
ready to be harvested
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.