I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
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[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*