people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
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Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.