The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
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lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”