I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
You Might Also Like
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
repaired
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”