9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
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Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Oh, I bet you would be
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.