Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
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him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar