Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
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As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*