They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
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Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Yes, but it was never about money
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake