This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
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Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*