I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
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Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Where is your GOD now????
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal