I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
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I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Become ungovernable.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”