Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.