*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
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Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.