Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
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Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
🤣🤣🤣
Love this guy
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets