Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of stephenjmolloy's best tweets

@stephenjmolloy : Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir? Me: Yeah, it was nice. Waiter: That's not what I meant and you know it. Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: Give me your wallet and... is that a Rolex?

Me: It's a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That's 100% real...

@stephenjmolloy: Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we'd like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

@stephenjmolloy: Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don't normally take sides but you should leave him.

@stephenjmolloy: Me: What's the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

@stephenjmolloy: Q: "And onto the final gadget for your mission."
James Bond: "What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?"
Q: "It's a condom, James. A condom."

@stephenjmolloy: Me: Any news?

Doctor: I'm just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I've never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

@stephenjmolloy: Mafia boss: "So, did you do it? Is he dead?"

Me, suddenly realising what it means to 'take somebody out': "Oh, err..."

@stephenjmolloy: *accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the... HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON'T GO! PLEA-

@stephenjmolloy: Me: There's a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I'm so sorry, sir. I'll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won't take too long.