@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: Give me your wallet and... is that a Rolex?
Me: It's a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That's 100% real...
@stephenjmolloy: Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we'd like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don't normally take sides but you should leave him.
@stephenjmolloy: Me: What's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
@stephenjmolloy: Q: "And onto the final gadget for your mission."
James Bond: "What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?"
Q: "It's a condom, James. A condom."
@stephenjmolloy: Me: Any news?
Doctor: I'm just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I've never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
@stephenjmolloy: Mafia boss: "So, did you do it? Is he dead?"
Me, suddenly realising what it means to 'take somebody out': "Oh, err..."
@stephenjmolloy: *accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the... HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON'T GO! PLEA-
@stephenjmolloy: Me: There's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I'm so sorry, sir. I'll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won't take too long.