@stephenjmolloy: Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I'll get you a pencil.
@stephenjmolloy: Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
@stephenjmolloy: Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It's about your son.
Me: Clive? What's he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that "My dad could beat up your dad" and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn't require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn't but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
@stephenjmolloy: Check in desk: We've oversold the flight so I'm going to put you in business class.
Professor: The first rule of business is- you're late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
@stephenjmolloy: College: You're a very bright kid and we'd like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I'd prefer a scholarcar.
College: We'd like to withdraw our offer.
@stephenjmolloy: Date: So what do you do?
Me: I'm a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: Is it because I'm always on this trampoline?