Funny Tweeter

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Page of stephenjmolloy's best tweets

@stephenjmolloy : Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It's about your son. Me: Clive? What's he done? Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that "My dad could beat up your dad" and- Me: What is going on? Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn't require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn't but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

@stephenjmolloy: Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven't met.

Stranger: No.

@stephenjmolloy: Check in desk: We've oversold the flight so I'm going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you're late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

@stephenjmolloy: College: You're a very bright kid and we'd like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I'd prefer a scholarcar.

College: We'd like to withdraw our offer.

@stephenjmolloy: Date: So what do you do?

Me: I'm a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

@stephenjmolloy: Wife:
I'm
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I'm always on this trampoline?

@stephenjmolloy: Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.

@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: Hand over your wallet and... is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

@stephenjmolloy: Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.