@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "How many fingers am I holding up?"
Ian: "err... 13..."
Doc: "Yeah. Some of these are yours. You've been in a serious accident."
@stephenjmolloy: Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
Me: I'm very perceptive.
@stephenjmolloy: [Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.
[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don't want to go in there
@stephenjmolloy: *dog comes up to me* "I think he likes me!"
Cop: "We are going to search you for drugs now."
@stephenjmolloy: Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
@stephenjmolloy: Cop: "We'll catch the guy who murdered your husband."
Tina: "My husband was murdered?!"
Cop: "Shit! Sorry... I have some bad news..."
@stephenjmolloy: Genie: "You have three wishes."
Me: "I wish for a burrito with guacamole."
Genie: "Okay but the guac counts as your second wish."
@stephenjmolloy: Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn't coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I'm not sure.
@stephenjmolloy: Barber: "How would you like your hair cut, sir?"
Me: "With scissors."
Barber: "Very good, sir."
*puts samurai sword down*