@stephenjmolloy: Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
@stephenjmolloy: Me: Will you marry me?
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
@stephenjmolloy: Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I'm a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
@stephenjmolloy: Me: Do you have this in my size? I'm a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
@stephenjmolloy: Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don't know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
@stephenjmolloy: Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I'll get you a pencil.
@stephenjmolloy: Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
@stephenjmolloy: Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It's about your son.
Me: Clive? What's he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that "My dad could beat up your dad" and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn't require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn't but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.