@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: "Give me your wallet and watch."
*hand over my wallet*
Me: "Okay, I'm watching."
@stephenjmolloy: Priest: "We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "Did you lock the backdoor?"
Me: "Yes I did."
Burglar from downstairs: "No he didn't!"
@stephenjmolloy: Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I've lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
@stephenjmolloy: Job interviewer: "It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University."
Me: "Yeah, I was visiting my sister."
@stephenjmolloy: Greg: "You've put Christmas decorations up?"
Ian: "I know it's only November but-"
Greg: "We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue."
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "I'm sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over."
Me: "You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over."