Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of stephenjmolloy's best tweets

@stephenjmolloy : Therapist: Why are you here? Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us- Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "How many fingers am I holding up?"

Ian: "err... 13..."

Doc: "Yeah. Some of these are yours. You've been in a serious accident."

@stephenjmolloy: Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I'm very perceptive.

@stephenjmolloy: [Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don't want to go in there

@stephenjmolloy: *dog comes up to me* "I think he likes me!"

Cop: "We are going to search you for drugs now."

@stephenjmolloy: Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

@stephenjmolloy: Cop: "We'll catch the guy who murdered your husband."

Tina: "My husband was murdered?!"

Cop: "Shit! Sorry... I have some bad news..."

@stephenjmolloy: Genie: "You have three wishes."
Me: "I wish for a burrito with guacamole."
Genie: "Okay but the guac counts as your second wish."

@stephenjmolloy: Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn't coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I'm not sure.

@stephenjmolloy: Barber: "How would you like your hair cut, sir?"
Me: "With scissors."
Barber: "Very good, sir."
*puts samurai sword down*