Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of stephenjmolloy's best tweets

@stephenjmolloy : Doctor: "I'm afraid you have loser says what disease." Me: "What?" Doctor: "lol" Me: "Is it serious?" Doctor: "What?" Me: "lol"

@stephenjmolloy: [Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: "Alexa, play sinister music."

@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: "Give me your wallet and watch."

*hand over my wallet*

Me: "Okay, I'm watching."

@stephenjmolloy: Priest: "We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger."

@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "Did you lock the backdoor?"

Me: "Yes I did."

Burglar from downstairs: "No he didn't!"

@stephenjmolloy: Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.

Me: What are you doing?

Barber: I've lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.

Me: I can see you in the mirror.

@stephenjmolloy: Job interviewer: "It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University."

Me: "Yeah, I was visiting my sister."

@stephenjmolloy: Greg: "You've put Christmas decorations up?"

Ian: "I know it's only November but-"

Greg: "We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue."

@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "I'm sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over."

Me: "You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over."