Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of stephenjmolloy's best tweets

@stephenjmolloy : Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I don't know. Can you? Me: *checking wallet* No.

@stephenjmolloy: Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I'll get you a pencil.

@stephenjmolloy: Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

@stephenjmolloy: Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It's about your son.

Me: Clive? What's he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that "My dad could beat up your dad" and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn't require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn't but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

@stephenjmolloy: Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven't met.

Stranger: No.

@stephenjmolloy: Check in desk: We've oversold the flight so I'm going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you're late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

@stephenjmolloy: College: You're a very bright kid and we'd like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I'd prefer a scholarcar.

College: We'd like to withdraw our offer.

@stephenjmolloy: Date: So what do you do?

Me: I'm a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

@stephenjmolloy: Wife:
I'm
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I'm always on this trampoline?