@stephenjmolloy: Jesus: "BRAINS!"
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: "Just kidding! I'm fine, I'm fine."
@stephenjmolloy: [Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: "Is there a doctor on board?"
Ian: "I'm a-"
*gets dragged off the flight*
@stephenjmolloy: [AA meeting]
Ian: ...and I've been sober for 12 years now.
Me: Err... I'm at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "I have never seen this before: You have no bones!"
Me: "Really? Could the x-ray be broken?"
Doctor: "Ignore what I just said."
@stephenjmolloy: 'Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?' - instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
@stephenjmolloy: Me: "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer."
Friends: "No thanks."
Enemies: "Also no thanks."