@stephenjmolloy: Date: So what do you do?
Me: I'm a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: Is it because I'm always on this trampoline?
@stephenjmolloy: Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: Hand over your wallet and... is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
@stephenjmolloy: Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Librarian: One day that will work.
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It's just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can't see wind, Claire.
@stephenjmolloy: <enter password>
<password is too short>
<password must have at least one special character>
@stephenjmolloy: [First day as a plumber]
Boss: What's wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
@stephenjmolloy: [First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Err... Err... Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.