Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of stephenjmolloy's best tweets

@stephenjmolloy : Date: Do you want to go upstairs? Me: Sure. Date: Do you have any protection? Me: Who's up there?

@stephenjmolloy: Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

@stephenjmolloy: Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

@stephenjmolloy: Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I'm a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.

@stephenjmolloy: Me: Do you have this in my size? I'm a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

@stephenjmolloy: Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don't know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

@stephenjmolloy: Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I'll get you a pencil.

@stephenjmolloy: Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

@stephenjmolloy: Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It's about your son.

Me: Clive? What's he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that "My dad could beat up your dad" and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn't require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn't but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.