Funny Tweeter

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Page of stephenjmolloy's best tweets

@stephenjmolloy : Wife: I'm seeing someone behind your back. Me: *frightened* Are... are they there now?

@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: "Hand over your wallet and that ring you're wearing."

Me: "You can have my wallet but I'm going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat."

@stephenjmolloy: *first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

@stephenjmolloy: Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard...

@stephenjmolloy: Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

@stephenjmolloy: [First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

@stephenjmolloy: Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

@stephenjmolloy: Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That's not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: Give me your wallet and... is that a Rolex?

Me: It's a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That's 100% real...

@stephenjmolloy: Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we'd like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.