Funny Tweeter

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Page of stephenjmolloy's best tweets

@stephenjmolloy : Me: "I keep looking for love in all the wrong places." *later at the abandoned mine* Me: "Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!"

@stephenjmolloy: Jesus: "BRAINS!"
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: "Just kidding! I'm fine, I'm fine."

@stephenjmolloy: [Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: "Is there a doctor on board?"
Ian: "I'm a-"
*gets dragged off the flight*

@stephenjmolloy: [AA meeting]
Ian: ...and I've been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err... I'm at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "I have never seen this before: You have no bones!"

Me: "Really? Could the x-ray be broken?"

Doctor: "Ignore what I just said."

@stephenjmolloy: 'Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?' - instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

@stephenjmolloy: [Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

@stephenjmolloy: Me: "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer."

Friends: "No thanks."

Enemies: "Also no thanks."

@stephenjmolloy: Me: "Could you show me where the self-help books are?"

Librarian: "No."