@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: "Hand over your wallet and that ring you're wearing."
Me: "You can have my wallet but I'm going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat."
@stephenjmolloy: *first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
@stephenjmolloy: Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard...
@stephenjmolloy: Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
@stephenjmolloy: [First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
@stephenjmolloy: Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
@stephenjmolloy: Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That's not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: Give me your wallet and... is that a Rolex?
Me: It's a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That's 100% real...
@stephenjmolloy: Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we'd like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.