Funny Tweeter

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Page of stephenjmolloy's best tweets

@stephenjmolloy : College: You're a very bright kid and we'd like to offer you a scholarship. Ian: I'd prefer a scholarcar. College: We'd like to withdraw our offer.

@stephenjmolloy: Date: So what do you do?

Me: I'm a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

@stephenjmolloy: Wife:
I'm
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I'm always on this trampoline?

@stephenjmolloy: Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.

@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: Hand over your wallet and... is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

@stephenjmolloy: Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

@stephenjmolloy: Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It's just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can't see wind, Claire.

@stephenjmolloy: <enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

@stephenjmolloy: [First day as a plumber]

Boss: What's wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

@stephenjmolloy: [First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err... Err... Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.