Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of stevevsninjas's best tweets

@stevevsninjas : doctor: your wife's gone into labor husband: oh no, I hate unions

@stevevsninjas: Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is 'die'.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it's die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

@stevevsninjas: You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

@stevevsninjas: As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

@stevevsninjas: The biggest myth about travel is "packing light" - don't bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

@stevevsninjas: CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

@stevevsninjas: Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

@stevevsninjas: [samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

@stevevsninjas: So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.