Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of stevevsninjas's best tweets

@stevevsninjas : HIM: I'm having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place? HER: Sure. What's your new job? HIM: Airline pilot.

@stevevsninjas: Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

@stevevsninjas: Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, "Go get help, boy!" and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

@stevevsninjas: Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don't have names, Chief.

@stevevsninjas: [speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

@stevevsninjas: Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

@stevevsninjas: Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

@stevevsninjas: The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

@stevevsninjas: Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

@stevevsninjas: Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.