Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of stevevsninjas's best tweets

@stevevsninjas : I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you. [ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

@stevevsninjas: Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

@stevevsninjas: inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

@stevevsninjas: Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

@stevevsninjas: Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it's a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

@stevevsninjas: Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don't recognize it.

@stevevsninjas: [garden]

tomato plant: how's your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i'm sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

@stevevsninjas: Boss: Don't sit in that cubicle, it's haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

@stevevsninjas: Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can't look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

@stevevsninjas: Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I've got shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time.