Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of stevevsninjas's best tweets

@stevevsninjas : I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

@stevevsninjas: shot through the heart
and you're to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

@stevevsninjas: How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

@stevevsninjas: Me: I'm super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don't overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

@stevevsninjas: One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I'd say acupuncture is pretty effective.

@stevevsninjas: *fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

@stevevsninjas: Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

@stevevsninjas: wife: what's wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he's harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

@stevevsninjas: Dad: [tied to chair] You'll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

@stevevsninjas: Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?