Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
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Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
i now pronounce you bounced.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.