verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
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“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
it’s finally my moment to shine
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”