“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
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Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.