Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
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Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
What about second breakfast?
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings