I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
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You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.