I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
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Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.