Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
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If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
called in thicc to work this morning
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?