Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
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Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening