Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
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Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
You better watch out
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Every. Damn. Time.