A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
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coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold