Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
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The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.