@stuckinaportal: my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
@stuckinaportal: "were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?"
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
@stuckinaportal: [portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH'S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
@stuckinaportal: *army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
@stuckinaportal: *leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*
*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
@stuckinaportal: [we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
@stuckinaportal: god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
@stuckinaportal: sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]
sorry this might take a while...
@stuckinaportal: *walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
"dad i can explain"
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes