Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of stuckinaportal's best tweets

@stuckinaportal : my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

@stuckinaportal: "were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?"

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

@stuckinaportal: [portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH'S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

@stuckinaportal: *army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

@stuckinaportal: *leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

@stuckinaportal: [we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

@stuckinaportal: god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

@stuckinaportal: sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while...

@stuckinaportal: *walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

"dad i can explain"

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

@stuckinaportal: *wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it's an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella