Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of stuckinaportal's best tweets

@stuckinaportal : *army rises out of ball pit* dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here? [they point to bob] dark lord: you the man, bob

@stuckinaportal: *leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

@stuckinaportal: [we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

@stuckinaportal: god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

@stuckinaportal: sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while...

@stuckinaportal: *walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

"dad i can explain"

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

@stuckinaportal: *wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it's an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

@stuckinaportal: regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i've got regrets

@stuckinaportal: look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

@stuckinaportal: [mastercard commercial]
"there are some things that money can't buy"

politician: i don't get it